The Hand – 1 out of 5
I’m not entirely sure how I found out about The Hand but, when I read about it, the part of me that loves bad movies got super excited and I had to track down a copy of it to watch for my Halloween horror-centric October. Turns out it really wasn’t that hard to get because Netflix had it (Netflix, it’s been awhile since I’ve name-dropped you so you can pay me now…also, come to think of it, you haven’t paid me for all the other times I’ve name-dropped you.) I had hopes this would have been silly and kinda fun but, as it turns out, it’s kinda boring; however, it’s sprinkled with a dash of potential that is examined at the end but then completely ignored.
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| The look a man gives you when you were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off. |
Talented comic artist Jonathan Lansdale (Michael Caine) is having a successful career but a loveless marriage with his wife Anne (Andrea Marovicci). In the middle of having an argument about Anne taking their daughter and living in New York for a while without him, an accident occurs that takes his prominent hand and severs it. Unable to locate the appendage after the accident, Lansdale is forced to give up as an artist and work as a teacher while his marriage crumbles around him. However, soon after the accident that he starts having violent fantasies about the hand harming and killing people but he’s completely unprepared for just how frightening the reality of it all is going to be…
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| Trim your nails, evil hand. You don't even deserve to be in the same room as Ash's possessed hand. |
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| Over the top, you fool. That's only way you'll beat your own hand. |
I sorta knew what I was in for when I saw Oliver Stone’s name appear in the opening credits as the director and, sure enough, that crazy dude delivered something that is on par with his usual quality—and by that, I mean this movie was pretty bad (Spoiler Alert: I don’t like Oliver Stone). From the moment the film starts to the final moments before the credits, the film is kinda boring and it tends to move very, very slowly. Even worse, Michael Caine’s decent performance (honestly, I’ve seen him much, much better than he was in this one) can’t save the film nor make it tolerable. To be fair, a film about a killer hand seeking vengeance is a hard one to pull off but Stone somehow managed to make it really boring with only momentary scenes that were amusing because…well, because it’s a freakin’ severed hand killing people. However, the ending of the film teases something that probably could have easily saved the film and that is playing on the idea that the hand is entirely in Jonathan Lansdale’s head.
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| Stone makes a cameo as a crazy homeless man. The only portion of the role that required him to act was the homeless part. |
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| Caine is rocking the hair of Moss from The IT Crowd18 years before the show even began. |
Okay, here’s where I get into Spoilers Territory. The film came out in 1981, if you haven’t seen it yet, I’m not entirely sure why you are reading my review…but, considering how few reads I get, I thank you for taking the time. Anyway, in the end, Lansdale is arrested for killing his wife, his friend and the college student he was having an affair with. A psychiatric doctor tries to convince him that the hand was just a figment of his imagination and a coping mechanism for the murders—an external element he could pin the actions on. At that point, I’m like, “Holy hell, that is actually a great idea.” However, almost immediately, the hand kills the doctor and all chances of this just being a sick mind trick inside of Lansdale brain goes out the window. The very fact that the hand was actually killing people literally kills the film. Had Stone went the subtle route (not something he’s EVER been known for) and crafted a film that, on its surface, looks like a hand is killing people but, in reality, it’s just a sick, fractured man committing the acts and then blaming it on a delusion, this film might have been amazing. Put in the correct and talented hands, this movie could have been brilliant. Instead, you have Oliver Stone fumbling with it like he does with all his properties he’s worked on. What you get with this one a boring, go-nowhere film with an overly simplistic story and no creativity in sight.
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| It's important to note that at no point during production no one stopped and came to their senses about making this movie. |
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| Yep, crossing your eyes to play a dead body was a good choice. |
Aside from Michael Caine’s performance (which, truthfully, is kinda mediocre), The Hand doesn’t really offer much to make it interesting or even entertaining. The production has the overall look and quality of a student film, there’s no real atmosphere or tension, the make-up and limited gore is pretty laughable and the story and characters aren’t very interesting or engaging. I had hoped it would have been good for a laugh because what’s not funny about seeing an actor try to make a rubber hand at their throat look convincing and like it is killing them but the whole thing was just bland and boring. This says a lot because usually you get hints and doses of Oliver Stone’s craziness in his films but that element just wasn’t there.
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