What really happened to Miss Jonas (3 Stars)

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This is a very strange film. It was made as a sequel to "The Devil in Miss Jonas", but for the first 40 minutes I couldn't see any connection between the two films, apart from the fact that the main character in both films is Christa Free.

Mr. Laroche, a wealthy Swiss businessman, sees a photo of a nude girl in the magazine Daily Girl. (Did that magazine really exist in Switzerland in 1974?) He's so fascinated by her beauty that he hires a private detective, Jim Bent, to track her down. He pays 50,000 francs for his services.

Jim's first visit is to the magazine's photographer, who claims that he can't remember her, because he's photographed so many girls. In a flashback scene we see that he's lying. The girl seduced him and begged him to make her the magazine centerfold. He was totally infatuated with her, but she left him when she got what she wanted. Luckily, another model overhears the conversation and tells Jim that she knows the girl. Her name is Christa Lindberger, and she shares an apartment with a friend of hers.

Jim arrives too late to find Christa. She's just moved out. Her room mate complains that Christa used to have sex with a different man every night. He continues to pursue her, always arriving too late, after she's already left. His last visit is to a nude review, where she used to perform as a dancer. More flashbacks. He meets a man who tells her that he got Christa a job in a big film.

And the film is "The Devil in Miss Jonas". There's the connection at last, on a meta level! Now we finally catch up with her activities. Her agent advises her to sleep with the film's producer to get the lead role.

This is where the film gets amusing. We see her rolling in bed with the film producer. He isn't named, but it's easy to recognise the actor. It's Erwin C. Dietrich himself. As soon as he leaves the room she holds a monologue about him being a loser and she can get whatever she wants from him. Next on the list of men to sleep with is the director. We don't see the director, which is just as well, because Erwin C. Dietrich was both producer and director for "The Devil in Miss Jonas".

There are many meta film elements. We see Christa talking to the cast members of "The Devil in Miss Jonas". Of note is that the film crew say that Lindberger is too difficult to remember as a name. She should change her name to Christa Free to be sure of lasting fame.

Jim Bent finds Christa and proclaims his love for her, refusing to introduce her to Mr. Laroche. The film ends with a strange scene. After watching the film in a cinema, Christa is disappointed that her real voice wasn't used in the film. Her voice was dubbed by Beate Hasenau. She visits a voice coach to learn how to speak better. The voice coach is eccentric, running around his room like a fool. I don't see the least use in this scene, it should have been cut.

I like the concept behind the film. Films about films are always good. It's all about the shifting layers of reality. Erwin C. Dietrich is using "What really happened to Miss Jonas" to make fun of himself. Apart from Christa calling him a loser, another actress calls the unseen director an idiot. This all promises a great film. Unfortunately, it's too chaotic, and there are too many unnecessary subplots. There was no need to include a detective in the story, and definitely no need for a voice coach.

Some girls do (4 Stars)

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Some girls do have the power to corrupt and destroy you,
They'll take you and they'll break you,
Or they'll make you a king.
They'll bring you the summer when winter is due.
It is truly amazing the things that some girls do.

Some girls do satisfy you, but they all mystify you,
They'll thrill you and some will do anything you desire,
There's no doubt about it, it's known to be true,
There is nothing in the world that can do what some girls do.

This is the second film about the gentleman spy Hugh Drummond. It was made in 1969, two years after "Deadlier than the Male". If the film looks like a James Bond clone, you're right. In the first film especially the actor Richard Johnson is seen imitating the mannerisms of Sean Connery. The main difference of the Hugh Drummond films is that the killers are all female. There's also a camp atmosphere that reminds me of the final season of "The Avengers". The connection between the two franchises was amicable. The film was being made in Pinewood Studios at the same time as "On Her Majesty's Secret Service", and some of the actors appeared in both films and had to run from one set to the other. An example is Joanna Lumley, who had a small role in both films.

As in the first film, the adversary is Carl Petersen. He's involved in industrial espionage. He's been offered eight million pounds to sabotage a new supersonic passenger aircraft, so that the competition will get the contract. This was a hot topic in 1969, because the development of supersonic passenger aircraft was in the news. It wasn't until 1973 that the Concorde went into production.

The film's theme song starts in the opening credits and continues through the first two scenes. Before the song is over two women have killed their victims. The first is a stewardess who throws a scientist out of an airplane, the second clubs a man to death. Both laugh afterwards. This sets the tone for the rest of the film.

Pretty girls. Or are they? Carl Petersen is a scientific genius and has built an army of fembots. He plans to use them to seduce and control world leaders, but that's a story for the third film that was never made. Yes, the two on the right are identical twins, played by Doris and Dora Graham.

It's not just fembots. Petersen also has real women in his service, such as Helga, played by Daliah Lavi. After a night of passion with Hugh Drummond she plants a bomb in his apartment. That's so impersonal. If he hadn't discovered the bomb, he would have died before he even knew she was the killer. She gets another chance later, ramming his private plane in the air.

Is it only me who gets a tingle when she points a gun at me?

Another real woman is Beba Loncar as Pandora. She mockingly calls each victim "little man" before she kills him.

Helga and Pandora make a good team. Either one is deadly by herself, but together they're cataclysmic.

I have nothing against fake women if they're as beautiful as Yutte Stensgaard.

Carl Petersen might not be as much of a megalomaniac as the Bond villains, but he does have many of the same traits. For instance, he invites his adversary into his lair to explain his plans instead of killing him straight away.

This is a very good film, whether you see it as a campy parody of James Bond or a thriller in its own right.

Urlaugsgrüße aus dem Unterhöschen (4½ Stars)

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This is a Bavarian sex comedy made in 1973. Its title means is "Holiday greetings from the panties". It sounds better in German than in English. Today is the first time I've ever seen it, and I love it. The humour is bawdy, relying on alternation between erotic farce and slapstick. It's a work of genius. Why were such films only made in Germany? And more to the point, why aren't they made any more?

The film is about a guest house in the Bavarian alps. It's owned by the village's mayor. He's miserable that the regular hotel guests are so poor, contributing nothing to the local economy. Two local businessmen have a foolproof scheme to make things better. First, they drive the regulars away by playing loud music and letting the waitresses flirt with the men in front of their wives. Then they advertise the guest house as a luxury resort in all of Germany's major cities.

The businessmen are Bob and Bert Vogel, played by the real life brothers Gernot and Gunther Möhner. Unlike yesterday's film, they're not identical twins. You might recognise Bob, shown on the left. He plays the reporter Bernd Mittler in the Housewife Report films. He's the main character in this film. Everyone is having sex, except for Bob. Whenever he gets close there's a mishap, and he has to run away with his pants down.

This is Bob with Kati, the mayor's daughter. She's Bob's true love, even though he chases every woman in sight. Don't expect to see any hot and steamy action. Something happens to interrupt Bob, every time. There might be a crisis in the house that he's called to attend to, but most often the problem is Frenzi.

Frenzi Kesselbach is the daughter of a couple from Frankfurt. Her age isn't stated, except that she's just a child, and she's not allowed to drink alcohol. She looks adult to me, however much she grins, but she acts like a child. She's constantly playing practical jokes on the other guests, such as shooting itching powder or throwing potato dumplings. Bob is her favourite target.

The jokes aren't original, but do they need to be? There's the classic mix up of hotel rooms. "What are you doing in my room? My husband will be here any moment". The husband will be disappointed when he finds out what he missed.

It's a hard life for the husband. His wife won't let him enjoy an ice cream, because she says he needs to lose weight.

And he's also a target of Frenzi's pranks.....

A lot of the humour is based on the stereotypes of the different regions (former states) of Germany. Even if you understand German, you might miss the jokes if you're not well acquainted with Germany.

As is usual in the Bavarian films, the women are sexually insatiable, whatever part of Germany they come from. If Ricky doesn't stop, she'll kill Bert. Three times wasn't enough for her.

This is probably the best Bavarian sex comedy I've seen. It's directed by Walter Boos, who was responsible for some of the later Schoolgirl Report films. It's never been released in English, but if you can speak German I strongly recommend it... if you can find it. Ten years ago a large number of the 1970's Erotic Classics were released on DVD, but they're now out of print. Unfortunately.

Twins Of Evil (4 Stars)

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This is the third film in Hammer's so-called Karnstein Trilogy. I say so-called, because the three films have nothing to do with one another, apart from featuring the vampire Mircalla Karnstein. In each film she's played by a different actress, and in this film her appearance is reduced to a non-speaking cameo. She has 50 seconds of screentime, heavily draped, and we only see her face for three seconds.

The film is about the two identical twins, Frieda and Maria Gellhorn, played by the real life identical twins Madeleine and Mary Collinson. They're almost identical. Frieda has a spot on her right cheek, only visible in close up shots, and she's half an inch taller. Mary Collinson (on the right) is 5'6", while Madeleine (on the left) is 5'6½". They were the first identical twins to be chosen as Playboy's Playmate(s) of the Month in October 1970.

I can't comment on their real life personalities, but in the film they're very different. Maria is the good twin, Frieda is the evil twin. After the death of their parents they're sent to live with their uncle Gustav (Peter Cushing), a religious fanatic. Maria suggests that they should comply with his wishes, whereas Frieda is defiant.

This is Uncle Gustav preaching in the Brotherhood. Yes, it's a male only religious society. There's no place for silly women who don't understand the Lord's thoughts. And what are the Lord's thoughts?

Witches have to be burnt at the stake. That's what it says in the Bible. "Thou shalt not allow a witch to live" (Exodus 22:18). But how do Gustav and his followers recognise witches? That's obvious from their conversations. "There's a woman who lives alone and she doesn't want a husband. She must be a witch". Obvious, isn't it? So out they run with their stakes in their hands, ready to do the Lord's work.

The witches are all innocent women. That's obvious. There's only one real Devil worshipper in the village, and it's Count Karnstein. He prays to Satan, asking for the power to serve him. The Count sacrifices a virgin to get Satan's attention. That's one thing he has in common with Gustav: they both murder innocent women. Satan answers by reviving the long dead Mircalla Karnstein. In her 50 seconds of glory she rises from the dead, bites the Count's neck and makes him a vampire.

A word on the film's vampire mythology, because every vampire film has its own vampire lore. The vampires in this film can walk in the sunlight. They can be killed by a stake through the heart or being decapitated, but burning doesn't kill a vampire. If his body is burnt his soul occupies someone else's body. Curious. 

Being a vampire is a lonely life, so the Count searches for a worthy companion. He picks Frieda. I can see how she gained his attention. One bite and she's a vampire like him. That's another thing I should say about this film's vampire lore: unless the person is killed, he becomes a vampire within a few seconds of being bitten.

For the sake of journalistic authenticity, I'm providing a photo gallery to show how a vampire attacks.

Frieda invites Anton the choirmaster to her room.

She entices him.

She prepares for the attack.

The trap snaps shut. No way to escape.

From macho man to lifeless corpse in five seconds.

I enjoyed this film, but it's the weakest film in the trilogy. There's a new film which I've been told stays close to the original novel by Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu. It should have been shown in cinemas in April this year, but it's been postpones indefinitely due to the Coronavirus.