Shower of Blood

Watch Movies TV -***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion (or other commenters), that's fine. To each their own. These reviews are not meant to be statements of facts or endorsements, I am just sharing my opinions and my perspective when watching the film and is not meant to reflect how these films should be viewed. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 0-5. 0, of course, being unwatchable. 1, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! I honestly don't know what expectation of quality I was anticipating from a film called Shower of Blood.

Shower of Blood – 0 out of 5

I’m a pretty big fan of the video blog site Everything Is Terrible!  The wacky shit they are able to get their hands on is endlessly entertaining for me.  Recently, they played an edited clip from a campy horror film that featured some outrageous sound effects.  The video cracked me up but I thought the cheesy sound effects were added by them when they edited the video.  Everything they post always has me curious about seeing the full length videos but rarely do I ever do any research in finding out what they are.  Luckily, someone on the comment section stated the sound effects loaded clip was from a 2004 Direct-to-Video release called Shower of Blood.  With a name in hand, I sought the film out and was surprised to learn that the sound effects weren’t added by Everything Is Terrible! but were legitimately in the feature.  I wasn’t surprised to learn, however, that the Direct-to-Video feature that is essentially softcore porn with a haphazard vampire storyline thrown in wasn’t very good.

Yes!   A literal shower of blood!  The whole movie is worth it now.

Lisa (Lia Montelongo) and her boyfriend Kurt (Dave Larsen) are on a road trip with their friends; Heather (Melissa Mountifield), Terry (Peter Renaud) and Megan (Robin Brown).  Their drive takes them to the dreaded Galloway Forest, a spooky place of terror and also one where Lisa’s Uncle Marty (Martin Shannon) just so happens to live.  They decide to take a detour and visit Uncle Marty and rest for the night but, gosh darn it, as luck would have it Uncle Marty is a vampire and decides to kill the group and take one of them as his new bride. 

Not a single person questioned why the mystery meat that was about to
be served to them was visibly bleeding.

The rare moment in the film where the girls have
clothes on.

Basically, Shower of Blood is a movie that seems to only exist to show bare breasts.  It tries to disguise itself as a comedy/horror but the humor basically consists of problematic humor and an overuse of childish sound effects.  The whole movie basically feels like the director just went mad with power after he bought a sound effects CD and told the editor to use this at every turn.  Every time a woman bends over there’s a fart sound effect, the actresses aren’t allowed to scream or gasp in terror because the CD has that taken care of (and are treated to the same sound each time the three women are scared), and after every beer these characters drink you get a generic burp.  The novelty of this and the novelty of the gratuitous nudity wears thin before the ten minute mark hits.

For some reason, this shot was accompanied by a fart noise, a spring twang,
and an audio clip of Austin Powers saying "Oh, behave."

Next level special effects!

Like all low-budget features, this movie has no shortage of bad acting and piss-poor technical work.  Being light on funds and low on know-how is usually the reason for this but, in Shower of Blood, the reason for this is a complete lack of knowledge and a main desire to see some boobs.  The movie literally spends more time on make-out and shower scenes than it does on exposition and development.  Edit out all the nudity in this film and you have about a good half-hour of content…and I was being facetious when I said “good” because the content would just be bad acting and dumb sound effects.  I guess, at that point, it might be good for a laugh.

This is all you need to see of this character to know that he is the most
punchable character in the film.

Shower of Blood is a pretty hollow film filled with really bad jokes, bad technical work, and terrible acting.  Even worse, all of this is just an afterthought because the main priority was to see the naked bits of the female members of the cast.  Nudity is a great thing but gratuitous nudity grows tiresome especially when placed alongside apathetic filmmaking and storytelling.  Instead of making a shitty comedy horror movie that focuses on seeing women naked, why not just skip the extra steps and film the women naked?  At least there’s honesty to that and you don’t have to put up with the crummy humor, bad acting and an overuse of awful sound effects.